Saturday, September 25, 2010

Stormy Weather

Hey there. I'm Stormy, and I guess it's about time I introduced myself.
Current Stats:

AGE: 30

WEIGHT: 272.2 lbs. (yes, I'm that specific)

HEIGHT: 5' 8'

SHIRT SIZE: 3X (which can sometime be on the tight side, usually do to the boobs)


CURRENT LEVEL OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: nothing on purpose, really. I've been doing my teaching thing and that's taken up quite a bit of time. But I'm walking and on the elliptical tomorrow. ;-)

CURRENT DIET: That's kind of an influx thing. I've been addicted to fast food/junk food for so long, which is my path to destruction, really. But I gave that up about two months ago. And instead of trying to work through that addition, I ended up shopping too much and spending too much money, which stopped me from going on a trip I was looking for (which, ironically, was supposed to be this weekend). That, of course, sent me back to fast food. *sigh*

This is a pic of me from Paley Fest in LA last year with a couple of my good friends from the NCIS fandom. I was supposed to be with them this weekend.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY: I haven't always had a weight problem, per se. But I've had issues with my body, my body image, my self-esteem for forever. I do remember my Mom talking when I was a kid about her own weight issues and being super focused on her weight (she's very regimented with her own body). But that's about it, weight-wise. My dad is overweight, my brother's own weight fluctuates (though he's on the more in-shape side of life), and my grandmother is anorexic and HATES my being fat. I have, however, had great issues with food, and, as I just before, my self-esteem.

I had a hard childhood. Not because of family (great, healthy - as possible - family life), not because of abuse, but because I really shouldn't be alive. I was born with an immune deficiency and spent most of my beginning years/life in and out of hospitals. I was/am allergic to a lot of foods, and my parents had to watch me basically starve to death, unable to help me. Out of desperation, my mom gave me a McDonald's french fry, and I kept it down. So, she fed them to me. (Thus, began my love of french fries, btw.) And that's when I started to equate eating with surviving. Every time I feel threatened in some way, I eat. I eat when I'm depressed, when I'm scared, when I'm lonely, when I'm brokenhearted, when I'm lost, when I feel my survival threatened in some way. So, now I have to break that survival instinct. Continuing on...

As I got older, hit puberty, and started to develop. Even at 135-140, I had a size 36D chest and wasn't super skinny. I've been taller and chesty since I was 9 (which created interesting issues with the other kids). Didn't start dating until I was 16, and my first boyfriend ended up being emotional abusive. I have beaten that horse to death and am I really okay now with what has happened with him. But that is when I started to eat. And eat A LOT. But this is me, at about 160-180 (don't really remember) and 18, going to a concert to see a friend.
Man, I was hot. But WHY did I think I was fat and ugly? I still can't explain it.

Moving on into college, I had a desperate, unfulfilled need to belong, and kept eating. Graduated, got my credential and my first teaching job, and my weight was around 230. I started doing Shou' Shu', a form of karate, and LOVED it. Did really well too. Lost weight, down to 200, and was feeling really good about myself and my life. Had my first boyfriend in 10 years. Then all hell crashed down.

Because of the political game I could never play well, my principal at my first job opted to not rehire me. *sigh* I put my entire life into that job, my entire self-worth was tied up into it. And to lose it...I lost myself. The stress of that - having to continue to teach, take my bands (I'm a music teacher) on tour/competition - gave me a stomach condition, IBS. That prevented me from testing for my black belt. And I also lost my boyfriend during that time. Needless to say, the survival instinct kicked in, and I started to eat.

Since then, I moved back to my home town, got a new job, some new friends, and am starting a new life. Which leads me here. I chose the name Stormy for this because that's me. I'm strong and independent, a nice girl most of the time, hot tempered when needed, and generally unpredictable, even to myself.

I had to post one last picture of me and my dog Niko. He literally saved my life. After moving back home, I was crying. A LOT. And at one point thought it would just be easier to have it all just be over. But then I looked at him and knew I couldn't leave him behind. So, I stayed. And I'm fighting, Stormy Weather and all.

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN: I have tried literally almost EVERY diet plan out there: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins. You name it, and I've tried it or some version. And the one thing I discovered is that there is no diet, there is no club, there is no one out there you pay money to that will magically give you the ability to lose the weight you have been fighting with your entire life. The one thing that all of these experiences, all of this money spent, has taught me is that the change has to come from within. I have to make the right choices. I have to eat correctly. I know what is needed and what is expected of me. I have to make the decision that I am worth being the healthiest and most beautiful person I can be, inside and outside.

With this in mind, my goal is to make good, healthy choices, to eat small portions 4-5 times a day to keep my metabolism up and running, to not eat fast food, to limit to almost nil the amount of junk food I allow into my body (I can't, however, be responsible for the ice cream/pizza cravings I get once a month. :P). I'm going to do what I know I have to do.

LONG-TERM GOAL: First, I have a 132 lbs. to lose for a final weight of 140
lbs. Second, I have to learn to love myself.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: For the next two weeks, since I'm on vacation, I'm going to up my exercising; increase my walking and time on the elliptical.

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