Saturday, October 30, 2010

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Another Saturday, another victory.

On the way to my weigh-in, Eminem's song "Not Afraid" came on the radio. And it couldn't have been any more appropriate. (Side note - I never really liked his stuff before. But really dig it since he got cleaned up. Anyone who knows me, knows how eclectic my music taste really is.)

I'm not afraid. I'm no longer afraid of what the future might bring, afraid of wasting the present, afraid of what used to be in my past. I am strong. I am clean. I am loved. I am strong. I got cleaned up; not from drugs or alcohol, but from my food addiction, though I fight with it everyday.

I wish I could accurately share with you what I'm feeling right now, how wondrous and glorious my heart beats, how much love and happiness is coursing through me. I wish I could take out whatever is making me so bouncy and giggly and strong and inject it into others so that I could share these feelings. But instead, I blog and share music and talk to whomever needs to talk on IM and listen when my words aren't needed.

I made it through an incredibly stressful week; taking 130 kids on a field trip was just a tad bit stressful, including the teachers who weren't all being very helpful, but more of a hinderance. And instead of eating my stress like I would have normally (and really wanted to btw), I took it out on my elliptical. I'm up to 20 minutes now. :)

And it was all worth it. I weighed in this morning. I'M DOWN 5 MORE POUNDS!!!!!!! For a total of 10.8 in the last three weeks.

Blessings and here's to another great week!

Love and Laughter,
I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn

What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he

From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n

Whether he's on salary, paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge

To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth

For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now

All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW

Cause I ain't playin' around

There's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't

This fucking black cloud still follow's me around

But it's time to exercise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realise what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead

No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it

Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Monday, October 25, 2010

It took a crash to understand

Another Monday.  Another start to another week.  Only this one leads up to a major event for my students. And major work for me, LOL.

I'm left to wonder why this time is different than so many times before.  What happened inside of me that everything finally clicked.  It was time.  Live or Die.

So much has changed in the last few months.  I finally, after over five years, believe I am a good teacher, that what I do matters, that where I am is where I am supposed to be.  Before, growing up, I hated the town I now teach in.  It's a home of drugs and violence, gangs and poverty, prostitution and desperation. But it is in this place, I find my purpose.  Fate, I suppose.

I was also saved a year ago; saved by my brother, ironically.  I say ironically because that night was the first time he had ever apologized to me.  Long story, and not really important in this moment.  But he let me ask all kinds of questions, questions that had bugged me and plagued me about God and religion and all the things I've had problems with.  My brother talked to me like an adult, not talked down to me like so many times in the past.  And I listened to him like he was an adult, not my little brother.  And I felt at peace.  True peace for the first time in my almost 30 years.  We stayed up until 2am; my brother, his wife and I (though she kind of fell asleep...poor M).  At the end, I asked if he had a Bible I could use, and he gave me one.  I still have it on my night stand.  And I read it a few times a week.

I'm not a big Bible thumper.  I believe what I believe, am in search of a church near me where I feel like I belong (one that would be big with music and love), and all I ask of those around me is to respect my beliefs.  I hate it when people try to force their opinion/belief/faith onto me.  I'm an intelligent, educated, well-read woman.  And I believe in God, in a higher power, in a being who has a design and a plan.  You may choose to believe, you may not.  But don't treat me like an idiot.

I think that is the reason why this time is different.  Why this time I get up and make my lunch and set up my breakfast every night.  Why I have stayed away from fast food and junk food for almost 2 1/2 weeks.  Why I am able this time to fight my addiction.

I am truly blessed by God, my family, my friends, and all the blessings I have found through struggle and success.

Love and Laughter,

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where My Heart Takes Me

I know it's been awhile.  Went to the beach for a week with NO internet and hardly any cell phone coverage.  Sporadic at best.  It was amazing.  Had an AMAZING time.  But then something...significant happened to me.

During the entire week, I had been eating fairly healthy (except for a TicTac mini chocolate bar every now and then).  Even walked for over an hour on the beach every day with my dog (which was heavenly!!).  But in the back of my mind, thoughts of food (pizza, ice cream, chips) were my constant companion.  I knew the moment my folks left to go home and take my grandma back to her home, that my time was open to eat what I wanted.

A few hours after they left, I packed my dog up in my car and took off for the nearest town, about 30 minutes away.  I got a bunch of different 'appetizers' to bake in the oven - onion rings, buffalo wings, etc - ice cream, and a pizza from the best pizza place I've ever had.  During this shopping excursion, I even grabbed some McDonald's.  Took it all back to the house, with every intention of gorging the crap out of myself.

Put the stuff in the freezer or the oven, depending, and proceeded to have a panic attack.  Something inside of me KNEW what I was doing was the worst thing.  I was crying, couldn't catch my breath, and started calling out for someone to help me, calling out to Jesus.  It lowest point.  I knew that it was now or never.  Called my mom up (even though I'm 30, she can still calm me when we talk) and I came to some conclusions.

I can't do this by myself.  I need some support.  I am a food addict.  While it's not drugs, alcohol or sex, this addiction will kill me.  I had to get some counseling, find a group or something.  I've tried OA before, but it was a little creepy (only one woman who was a bit...odd).  And in the end of the conversation with my Mom, I threw ALL of the food away.  All $70+ of it.  And I almost threw up after.  My body was shaking, and the desperation was just leaking out of me.  It was just awful.  And I never want to feel that way again.  I never want to feel that out of control of my life, of myself.

When I came home, I joined Weight Watchers the next day.  Literally.  I came home on Friday and joined on Saturday morning.  I just completed my second week.

I haven't touched, gone near or inside of a fast food join since that Friday.  No junk food or anything that could poison my body.  And I've been doing so well following the WW program.  I feel better, cleaner.  My hair is shiny, my skin is glowing, and I'm down 5.8 pounds; 5 pounds the first week, .8 this week (which is totally awesome 'cause I'm also on my period.  I usually gain 3-5 pounds, so I'll take a .8 loss!!!).

With this change...I wish I could describe how amazing I feel, how truly happy I am.  I'm looking forward to the journey, to my path to happiness, to loving myself.  I'm looking forward to heading up to Seattle for New Years Eve and Portland next summer for a friend's wedding.  I'm going wear a summer dress and dance and flirt with some cute boys.  I'm going to run a marathon with my friend, go out dancing at a salsa club.  I'm going to India to see the Taj Mahal, have a baby one day.

From the lowest point in my life, I'm finding my way back.  And it's amazing.  I am blessed by God and everyone to have come to this point.

Love and Laughter,

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Waking Up to a New Day

It definitely feels like a new day for me.  When I went to bed, I was amazed at how one word, one tweet, could make my mood change from optimistic to depressed.  So, I changed the position of my sleep to change my headspace (laid my head where my feet usually go) and woke up in a much more positive mood.  (I don't know why that works, but it does.)  I'm ready to make these changes, to wake up to a new day.

I got up and did 15 minutes on my elliptical, ate a healthy breakfast of honeydew, yogurt and a whole grain Eggo waffle with honey.  Normally, I don't eat and never exercise.  While these don't seem like drastic changes, they're signs of something different in me.  I'm ready for this new day.

Before the light I found the dark
Before tonight I feel apart
Frozen up I’ve realized that something’s gotta change
It took a crash to understand

Time kept slipping through my hands
I never used to know
The sun will shine after the rain

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way
I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what

I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day
A new day

I was sleeping in a twisted dream
Dying just to make believe
A pretty situation was far from where I was
But I’m not up for giving up
Lying down and out of luck
My mistakes are in the open and know I’m finally coming clean

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way
I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what

I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day
A new day

Cause everything, everything
ends at the start
I’m healing and feeling all of my scars 
Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way
I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what

I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day
A new day

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Stormy Weather

Hey there. I'm Stormy, and I guess it's about time I introduced myself.
Current Stats:

AGE: 30

WEIGHT: 272.2 lbs. (yes, I'm that specific)

HEIGHT: 5' 8'

SHIRT SIZE: 3X (which can sometime be on the tight side, usually do to the boobs)


CURRENT LEVEL OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: nothing on purpose, really. I've been doing my teaching thing and that's taken up quite a bit of time. But I'm walking and on the elliptical tomorrow. ;-)

CURRENT DIET: That's kind of an influx thing. I've been addicted to fast food/junk food for so long, which is my path to destruction, really. But I gave that up about two months ago. And instead of trying to work through that addition, I ended up shopping too much and spending too much money, which stopped me from going on a trip I was looking for (which, ironically, was supposed to be this weekend). That, of course, sent me back to fast food. *sigh*

This is a pic of me from Paley Fest in LA last year with a couple of my good friends from the NCIS fandom. I was supposed to be with them this weekend.

WEIGHT LOSS HISTORY: I haven't always had a weight problem, per se. But I've had issues with my body, my body image, my self-esteem for forever. I do remember my Mom talking when I was a kid about her own weight issues and being super focused on her weight (she's very regimented with her own body). But that's about it, weight-wise. My dad is overweight, my brother's own weight fluctuates (though he's on the more in-shape side of life), and my grandmother is anorexic and HATES my being fat. I have, however, had great issues with food, and, as I just before, my self-esteem.

I had a hard childhood. Not because of family (great, healthy - as possible - family life), not because of abuse, but because I really shouldn't be alive. I was born with an immune deficiency and spent most of my beginning years/life in and out of hospitals. I was/am allergic to a lot of foods, and my parents had to watch me basically starve to death, unable to help me. Out of desperation, my mom gave me a McDonald's french fry, and I kept it down. So, she fed them to me. (Thus, began my love of french fries, btw.) And that's when I started to equate eating with surviving. Every time I feel threatened in some way, I eat. I eat when I'm depressed, when I'm scared, when I'm lonely, when I'm brokenhearted, when I'm lost, when I feel my survival threatened in some way. So, now I have to break that survival instinct. Continuing on...

As I got older, hit puberty, and started to develop. Even at 135-140, I had a size 36D chest and wasn't super skinny. I've been taller and chesty since I was 9 (which created interesting issues with the other kids). Didn't start dating until I was 16, and my first boyfriend ended up being emotional abusive. I have beaten that horse to death and am I really okay now with what has happened with him. But that is when I started to eat. And eat A LOT. But this is me, at about 160-180 (don't really remember) and 18, going to a concert to see a friend.
Man, I was hot. But WHY did I think I was fat and ugly? I still can't explain it.

Moving on into college, I had a desperate, unfulfilled need to belong, and kept eating. Graduated, got my credential and my first teaching job, and my weight was around 230. I started doing Shou' Shu', a form of karate, and LOVED it. Did really well too. Lost weight, down to 200, and was feeling really good about myself and my life. Had my first boyfriend in 10 years. Then all hell crashed down.

Because of the political game I could never play well, my principal at my first job opted to not rehire me. *sigh* I put my entire life into that job, my entire self-worth was tied up into it. And to lose it...I lost myself. The stress of that - having to continue to teach, take my bands (I'm a music teacher) on tour/competition - gave me a stomach condition, IBS. That prevented me from testing for my black belt. And I also lost my boyfriend during that time. Needless to say, the survival instinct kicked in, and I started to eat.

Since then, I moved back to my home town, got a new job, some new friends, and am starting a new life. Which leads me here. I chose the name Stormy for this because that's me. I'm strong and independent, a nice girl most of the time, hot tempered when needed, and generally unpredictable, even to myself.

I had to post one last picture of me and my dog Niko. He literally saved my life. After moving back home, I was crying. A LOT. And at one point thought it would just be easier to have it all just be over. But then I looked at him and knew I couldn't leave him behind. So, I stayed. And I'm fighting, Stormy Weather and all.

WEIGHT LOSS PLAN: I have tried literally almost EVERY diet plan out there: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins. You name it, and I've tried it or some version. And the one thing I discovered is that there is no diet, there is no club, there is no one out there you pay money to that will magically give you the ability to lose the weight you have been fighting with your entire life. The one thing that all of these experiences, all of this money spent, has taught me is that the change has to come from within. I have to make the right choices. I have to eat correctly. I know what is needed and what is expected of me. I have to make the decision that I am worth being the healthiest and most beautiful person I can be, inside and outside.

With this in mind, my goal is to make good, healthy choices, to eat small portions 4-5 times a day to keep my metabolism up and running, to not eat fast food, to limit to almost nil the amount of junk food I allow into my body (I can't, however, be responsible for the ice cream/pizza cravings I get once a month. :P). I'm going to do what I know I have to do.

LONG-TERM GOAL: First, I have a 132 lbs. to lose for a final weight of 140
lbs. Second, I have to learn to love myself.

SHORT-TERM GOAL: For the next two weeks, since I'm on vacation, I'm going to up my exercising; increase my walking and time on the elliptical.