Saturday, April 23, 2011

Rededicate to the life you deserve.

You and I possess
within ourselves,
of every moment of our lives,
under all circumstances,
the power to transform
the quality of our lives.

That is something my mother and father have told me since I was little and first able to understand. It came from a training they both had attended before I was born, but it holds true even now, thirty + years later. I have to believe in this, in everything it means as I fight through what's holding me here.

It's been months since I last posted, and months since I actually cared about myself enough to work on my journey. My last post was right before I got the flu, and I lost the resolve I'd been carrying with me. I'm not sure what happened, really. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to care, to journal, to track, and measure my food, to exercise and walk. I really don't know. And I started gaining, slowly at first. But I'm up again. Thankfully, I haven't gotten back to the 270s, but it came damn close. At my WW meeting today, the first in months, I was 269.6. Like I said, really close. *sigh* But I'm ready to fight again. Even if I feel like crap, I can't let myself revert.

I've been sick for the last two months with different things. The flu (again), then came horrendous cramps, then laryngitis (yeah that was fun), then I had a latex exposure (from a doctor's visit that I now have to consider suing them over - which isn't like me, but they put me through hell and I have to fight for myself, even with this), and then cramps again and last it seems I'm going through a secondary exposure to the latex OR I'm addicted to the benadryl I've had to take steadily for 3 weeks and was going through a detox (still iffy on that one). So, yeah, I ended up gaining back 17 pounds or so. I'm not happy with this, but I'm facing it, which is why I'm journaling again.

I feel like hell. I'm exhausted, in pain, headache, everything. I don't really feel like I'm depressed, but who knows at this point. All I know is I was feeling amazing just a few months ago. I was so proud of the work I was doing. And I let it all go. So, I have to fight through the feeling like crap, I have to choose that I am worth the fight. I think that's the hardest part...allowing myself to know that I am worthy, that I am worth the fight and the pain and the frustration to get to the place where I was happy and enjoying life.

I was knitting and looking at doing some Steampunk jewelry making. I was walking and hanging out with my girlfriends. And now, I'm back to being too exhausted to do any of that. It's ridiculous really. I deserve to be happy.

And on the eve of my niece being born, I want to grab that happiness. I can't be a good influence in her life if I can't see the good in me. So, I'm going to fight through all this crap to get to the joy beyond. I can do this. For Natalie. For myself.