You and I possess
of every moment of our lives,
under all circumstances,
the power to transform
the quality of our lives.
That is something my mother and father have told me since I was little and first able to understand. It came from a training they both had attended before I was born, but it holds true even now, thirty + years later. I have to believe in this, in everything it means as I fight through what's holding me here.
It's been months since I last posted, and months since I actually cared about myself enough to work on my journey. My last post was right before I got the flu, and I lost the resolve I'd been carrying with me. I'm not sure what happened, really. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to care, to journal, to track, and measure my food, to exercise and walk. I really don't know. And I started gaining, slowly at first. But now...now I'm up again. Thankfully, I haven't gotten back to the 270s, but it came damn close. At my WW meeting today, the first in months, I was 269.6. Like I said, really close. *sigh* But I'm ready to fight again. Even if I feel like crap, I can't let myself revert.
I've been sick for the last two months with different things. The flu (again), then came horrendous cramps, then laryngitis (yeah that was fun), then I had a latex exposure (from a doctor's visit that I now have to consider suing them over - which isn't like me, but they put me through hell and I have to fight for myself, even with this), and then cramps again and last it seems I'm going through a secondary exposure to the latex OR I'm addicted to the benadryl I've had to take steadily for 3 weeks and was going through a detox (still iffy on that one). So, yeah, I ended up gaining back 17 pounds or so. I'm not happy with this, but I'm facing it, which is why I'm journaling again.
I feel like hell. I'm exhausted, in pain, headache, everything. I don't really feel like I'm depressed, but who knows at this point. All I know is I was feeling amazing just a few months ago. I was so proud of the work I was doing. And I let it all go. So, I have to fight through the feeling like crap, I have to choose that I am worth the fight. I think that's the hardest part...allowing myself to know that I am worthy, that I am worth the fight and the pain and the frustration to get to the place where I was happy and enjoying life.
I was knitting and looking at doing some Steampunk jewelry making. I was walking and hanging out with my girlfriends. And now, I'm back to being too exhausted to do any of that. It's ridiculous really. I deserve to be happy.
And on the eve of my niece being born, I want to grab that happiness. I can't be a good influence in her life if I can't see the good in me. So, I'm going to fight through all this crap to get to the joy beyond. I can do this. For Natalie. For myself.