Monday, October 25, 2010

It took a crash to understand

Another Monday.  Another start to another week.  Only this one leads up to a major event for my students. And major work for me, LOL.

I'm left to wonder why this time is different than so many times before.  What happened inside of me that everything finally clicked.  It was time.  Live or Die.

So much has changed in the last few months.  I finally, after over five years, believe I am a good teacher, that what I do matters, that where I am is where I am supposed to be.  Before, growing up, I hated the town I now teach in.  It's a home of drugs and violence, gangs and poverty, prostitution and desperation. But it is in this place, I find my purpose.  Fate, I suppose.

I was also saved a year ago; saved by my brother, ironically.  I say ironically because that night was the first time he had ever apologized to me.  Long story, and not really important in this moment.  But he let me ask all kinds of questions, questions that had bugged me and plagued me about God and religion and all the things I've had problems with.  My brother talked to me like an adult, not talked down to me like so many times in the past.  And I listened to him like he was an adult, not my little brother.  And I felt at peace.  True peace for the first time in my almost 30 years.  We stayed up until 2am; my brother, his wife and I (though she kind of fell asleep...poor M).  At the end, I asked if he had a Bible I could use, and he gave me one.  I still have it on my night stand.  And I read it a few times a week.

I'm not a big Bible thumper.  I believe what I believe, am in search of a church near me where I feel like I belong (one that would be big with music and love), and all I ask of those around me is to respect my beliefs.  I hate it when people try to force their opinion/belief/faith onto me.  I'm an intelligent, educated, well-read woman.  And I believe in God, in a higher power, in a being who has a design and a plan.  You may choose to believe, you may not.  But don't treat me like an idiot.

I think that is the reason why this time is different.  Why this time I get up and make my lunch and set up my breakfast every night.  Why I have stayed away from fast food and junk food for almost 2 1/2 weeks.  Why I am able this time to fight my addiction.

I am truly blessed by God, my family, my friends, and all the blessings I have found through struggle and success.

Love and Laughter,

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