Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where My Heart Takes Me

I know it's been awhile.  Went to the beach for a week with NO internet and hardly any cell phone coverage.  Sporadic at best.  It was amazing.  Had an AMAZING time.  But then something...significant happened to me.

During the entire week, I had been eating fairly healthy (except for a TicTac mini chocolate bar every now and then).  Even walked for over an hour on the beach every day with my dog (which was heavenly!!).  But in the back of my mind, thoughts of food (pizza, ice cream, chips) were my constant companion.  I knew the moment my folks left to go home and take my grandma back to her home, that my time was open to eat what I wanted.

A few hours after they left, I packed my dog up in my car and took off for the nearest town, about 30 minutes away.  I got a bunch of different 'appetizers' to bake in the oven - onion rings, buffalo wings, etc - ice cream, and a pizza from the best pizza place I've ever had.  During this shopping excursion, I even grabbed some McDonald's.  Took it all back to the house, with every intention of gorging the crap out of myself.

Put the stuff in the freezer or the oven, depending, and proceeded to have a panic attack.  Something inside of me KNEW what I was doing was the worst thing.  I was crying, couldn't catch my breath, and started calling out for someone to help me, calling out to Jesus.  It lowest point.  I knew that it was now or never.  Called my mom up (even though I'm 30, she can still calm me when we talk) and I came to some conclusions.

I can't do this by myself.  I need some support.  I am a food addict.  While it's not drugs, alcohol or sex, this addiction will kill me.  I had to get some counseling, find a group or something.  I've tried OA before, but it was a little creepy (only one woman who was a bit...odd).  And in the end of the conversation with my Mom, I threw ALL of the food away.  All $70+ of it.  And I almost threw up after.  My body was shaking, and the desperation was just leaking out of me.  It was just awful.  And I never want to feel that way again.  I never want to feel that out of control of my life, of myself.

When I came home, I joined Weight Watchers the next day.  Literally.  I came home on Friday and joined on Saturday morning.  I just completed my second week.

I haven't touched, gone near or inside of a fast food join since that Friday.  No junk food or anything that could poison my body.  And I've been doing so well following the WW program.  I feel better, cleaner.  My hair is shiny, my skin is glowing, and I'm down 5.8 pounds; 5 pounds the first week, .8 this week (which is totally awesome 'cause I'm also on my period.  I usually gain 3-5 pounds, so I'll take a .8 loss!!!).

With this change...I wish I could describe how amazing I feel, how truly happy I am.  I'm looking forward to the journey, to my path to happiness, to loving myself.  I'm looking forward to heading up to Seattle for New Years Eve and Portland next summer for a friend's wedding.  I'm going wear a summer dress and dance and flirt with some cute boys.  I'm going to run a marathon with my friend, go out dancing at a salsa club.  I'm going to India to see the Taj Mahal, have a baby one day.

From the lowest point in my life, I'm finding my way back.  And it's amazing.  I am blessed by God and everyone to have come to this point.

Love and Laughter,


  1. Hugs! You can't tackle an addiction alone. You need support, This sounds like an amazing start! Keep it up!!!

  2. Hugs! I am so proud of you.... I have done WW before and it has worked for me. I really need to do something drastic as well..... Keep up the amazing work.